I've become convinced that the governments of the world have been keeping a secret for centuries. An earth-shattering secret that would expose every clock or time-telling device you have ever purchased as the shameless liar that it is. A secret that would make fundamental questions we consider "obvious" uncertain. Does gravity really exist? Is air really there? Would the world be a better place if science found a way for Jacob Pitts and Joseph Gordon-Levitt to combine their gametes and make a baby? After this, we can't be sure.
The secret? Are you sitting down? (I'd be surprised if you weren't--the mental image of the beautiful man-baby offspring of those two men is something I'd consider enough to make just about anyone need to sit down)
The 10 minutes between 7:16 AM and 7:26 AM do not actually exist.
Due to my sleep deprivation on most nights, I am actually sleepwalking for the first thirty minutes I'm awake, so things tend to fall in place the same way every morning. (Being remarkably good at shaving while asleep is the only thing that has kept my carotid arteries intact.) I usually come down the stairs at around 7:14 AM, give or take a few minutes depending on how much time I spend panicking over the fact that nothing in my wardrobe seems to match that early in the morning. (Some traumatizing childhood memories have made me very fastidious. I'll leave it at warning you all that wearing a red t-shirt and green sweat pants will very quickly net you the nickname "Christmas boy.") It has to be around the same time because the first sight I'm greeted with every morning is a close-up of Meredith Vieira's face on the TV screen. This is such a frightening sight that it's hard to forget.
From there, I usually go into the kitchen, grab whatever derivative of cake that society deems acceptable for breakfast, prepare my caffeinated substance of choice and begin the effort to make it through breakfast without falling asleep. It seems to be barely seconds later when I hear the Wicked Witch of the Today Show caterwaul,
"It's 7:26 AM. Now let's take a look into the preparations underway for the Royal Wedding--"
This is around where I start thinking about how little I care about two attractive heterosexual people in positions of power getting married and how Kate Middleton is a total bitch because she's flawless and she's about to become a princess and have a really attractive husband and I don't even have the luxury of a creeper that sends me suggestive text messages, much less a member of the royal court--
Wait a minute, holy shit. 7:26 AM!?
I used to blame myself for this phenomenon. I used to chastise myself for moving too slowly or being too tired, but I will not accept the blame any longer. I know the truth. Why do you think NBC always puts advertisements on around that time? Because it's imaginary advertising, intended to lull you into thinking that time is going by while stuffing your brain with corporate slogans and promotional material.
If I suddenly disappear from the internet and this post is deleted, you know what happened. They couldn't handle the truth coming out. But now you know, and never again will you be tricked into thinking that you have enough time to eat breakfast and still be on time to school.
